Ugh. Not Getting Anywhere

Okay, so I've been AWOL for the past few days.  A week, as it turns out.  Well, I have been very tired.  It made sense to me over the weekend, as I went up north to get the kids on Friday and didn't get home until 1:00am.  The rest of the weekend was a blur.  Oldest daughter broke her wrist on Tuesday.  Packing the kids again for camp next week on Wednesday night because Thursday, Friday and Saturday are full days.  Yikes!
Well, Monday's weigh-in, had I posted here, was 148.1 and nothing has changed.  I have tried to get my eating reined in, and I seem to do well until the evening, or my emotions are running so high that all I can think to do is eat.  I did great through the day today, and then someone left a loaf of fresh bread on the counter beside the butter, and I had to eat a few slices.  Brutal.  There is no way I'm going to be ready for a triathlon in September at this rate!!
My chiropractor friend gave me a tube of progesterone cream that she wasn't using, and I have been using it twice a day for five or six days.  I don't know if it is making a difference, but here it is 9:20pm and I just want to go to bed.  I have been sleeping very well, but we haven't gotten up once to go to the Y.  Just too tired in the mornings.  We are definitely not in a good routine.
I am not in a great space in my head.  I feel fat and lazy.  Undisciplined.  I am really hoping things turn around soon.  How?  That is the big question.
Yuck.

A Pretty Ordinary Day

I can't say that today was either great or not great.  I did have a good day for the most part, but my emotions seemed to get the better of me tonight.  It was a much cooler day, and I was able to get a lot done around the house -- the kids' rooms are ready for them to come home tomorrow.  I'm ready for them to come home tomorrow too!  It will be so good to see them!  Tonight, however, I just couldn't seem to handle some of the stresses in my life.  It manifested itself mostly in frustration directed towards my husband.  Not really anger, and there were no tears, just calm (for the most part) expressions of frustration.  Certainly not edifying for him.  I can't say I feel very good about it either.  I'm on Day 16 of my cycle.  This time last month, I was spotting.  So far, there is no sign that my period is imminent.

I moved to the couch in the night because the dog was driving me crazy, and Steve snoozed the alarm so many times this morning that we missed the Y.  Again.  Not good.  My eating was okay today, though.  Two shakes, a bran bar, a bit of Steve's cookie and two squares of pizza.  Not very balanced, but about 975 calories (I don't have my iPhone here with the exact count).  I feel like my pants are a bit looser, but I went shopping with my sister-in-law today, and let's just say that the discrepancy in the size of clothing we were trying on (she was much smaller) was certainly a reminder that there is a long way to go.

I have a hugely busy day tomorrow with picking up the kids and all the driving that entails.  I really need to get a good sleep tonight.  I am having lunch with a friend, and need to be disciplined in my menu choices!!  I will cook a few hard-boiled eggs and take them with me so that I'm not tempted to indulge at Wendy's or wherever the kids want to stop for a snack.

I started my new multi-vitamin today from Shaklee.  I don't feel any different, but I think that's a good thing!!

Finally, Some Information

I had an interesting day today.  It started off with me feeling very sorry for myself in this heat.  I am so incapacitated by it that I can't even clean up around the house.  Yet, with the kids away at camp, I should be getting a lot done!  I'm not!  It is frustrating, and somewhat disappointing.  I was able to get quite a bit accomplished tonight after the temperature dropped, and that helped with my sense of productivity.

I had a meeting today with a friend of ours, Martha, who sells Shaklee.  I had asked her about something to help me with my sleeping issues, and she suggested we get together.  Wow.  So much information.  She agreed that I am probably perimenopausal, and figured that, based on my symptoms, my progesterone is low.  She's given me the name of a cream, which I have discovered is available on VitaCost, so I think I will place an order.  I'd been planning to put in an order anyway, so now I really will get to it.

Martha also asked if I am taking a multi-vitamin, which I am not.  Well, I am now....  She taught me the difference between synthetic, natural source and whole food vitamins.  I had no idea there were different kinds.  I felt quite encouraged after our time together, and have lots to think about.

My eating was great today.  One shake, an egg, a BBQ chicken wrap from Tim Horton's (190 calories) and an Asian Sesame Chicken Salad at Kelsey's.  I also caved and ate one of Steve's potato skins (156 calories), for a grand total of 968 calories.  That's if the salad at Kelsey's was really the 360 calories it says on the website.  How can I feel so full after 360 calories?  I requested the dressing on the side and didn't use it.

This is getting easier.  However, I forgot to set the alarm for this morning.  I can't believe the children are away and we haven't even made it to the Y.  Hopefully we will go tomorrow.... :)

 

Now, That's More Like It!

148.1 this morning.  Talk about inspiration to eat better for another day.  I did well with my food, despite the heat and my lack of desire to do anything at all.  I ate two small square pieces of pizza late in the afternoon, but that was supper, and I haven't had anything since except an oat bran bar on the way home from worship practice.  The rest of the day consisted of two SlimFast shakes, an egg and three rice cakes.  Total of 1043 calories.  No fruit or veggies today... Oops.

I went to another Pilates class on the reformer.  I love it!  We didn't make it to the Y this morning -- just too tired -- but I was happy to know my class was coming in the morning anyway.  We are going to give the Y another shot in the morning.  I am spending the day with a friend, and we are going out for supper, so keeping the food intake in line is going to be a challenge tomorrow.

In the meantime, off to bed.

It's a New Week

Well, there was no change on the scale this morning.  Still in the neighbourhood of 150.  I will do a proper weigh-in tomorrow (right time, no food beforehand, etc).

I decided that I really need to go hard core on the food situation.  We have SlimFast shake mix in the house, so I had one for breakfast, with almond milk and flax.  I also had one for lunch.  For supper I had two hard boiled eggs, and I ate a couple of organic rice cakes and about 1/3 banana in between.  So far, so good.  I fell a bit off the rails at a meeting tonight.  The host put plates of fruit pieces out, with water.  And then.  She brought.  The chips.  Grrr.  I was as restrained as possible, but I'm sure I wasn't as good as I think I was!  It got a bit worse from there, as Steve had bought boneless chicken wings, and I ate two, along with a homemade tortilla I got at the meeting.  Argh.  We will see what happens!

The plan is to go to the Y in the morning.  I'm hoping to do a bike ride and/or a run afterwards, but it will really depend on the temperature outside.  Tomorrow is supposed to be the hottest day we've had yet.

Before tomorrow, however, I need some sleep.  Here's hoping...

So Tired

I could not fall asleep last night.  I finally nodded off at 3:45am, and with the alarm set for 6:30am, obviously did not get much sleep.  I am fried.  Tomorrow, I need to start fresh with the whole exercise and food thing.  Right now, bed.

Still Surprised

I must say that every time I see myself in the mirror, I'm still shocked at how I look.  It's really beyond the weight.  It's the crazy spare tire I'm carrying around my middle.  I just can't believe the spread that happens at my waist.  It's horrible.  I was having a good day, really, and then I went shopping tonight.
I bought a skirt at a garage sale last Saturday, and I love it.  I thought I should find a shirt that was a little cooler than the short-sleeved sweater I wore with it last weekend.  At Walmart tonight, I tried on a shirt and (as it turned out) a short-sleeved sweater, with the skirt I brought with me.  Oh.  My.  Word.  I could not believe how bad I looked.  Even the skirt seemed bad.  Even what I wore to the store seemed bad!  Somehow, I can't believe the mirror was deceiving me.  I look bad.  Needless to say, I'm sticking with the sweater I already own, even though it's going to be a million degrees tomorrow, because at least last weekend I thought it looked good.  I just won't check the mirror in the morning.
I think I'm a little freaked out because we are going to our previous church tomorrow, and I will see people I haven't seen in about four months.  Those four months equal about ten pounds.  Scary.
At the same time, I am learning that I'm not alone.  I'm 'friends' on Facebook with a neighbour who I actually don't know at all.  She commented on a page (about working out) a few days ago, and she could have been writing my story.  She said:
"This post is perfect timing for me.  I've been working hard for the last two weeks on my exercising side of things.  I've always eaten very well, but for some reason, continued to pack on weight over the last few years.  So, I started jogging a couple times a week about a year ago ... and packed on 20 more unexplained pounds.  My doctor referred me to a dietician who is stumped because I have an excellent diet, yet the weight won't budge.  Anyway, now I'm being referred to an endocrinologist to see if something's up with my hormones, so we'll see.  But, aside from that, I decided to try and take it to another level to get my metabolism pumped up a bit.  I've been getting up for the last two weeks at 5am and doing runs about five times per week now, and added in some weight training, too.  I've either run 5k outdoors, or done a 20 min run on my treadmill, then 20 min of weight training.  I know it's only been two weeks, but the weight still hasn't budged -- not even a 1/4 pound.  I feel really good and definitely am feeling motivated (lying in bed at night thinking about what strength training I'll do the next day) but after my workout, when I go upstairs to shower, I see myself in the mirror ... still fat and not how I feel inside, and knowing that the scale has not budged one bit, nor are my clothes any looser, it's so deflating.  I know with time something has to give, but until then, it's hard to keep motivated."
Yup.  I couldn't have said it better myself.

A Good Day

Nothing special to report about today.  That is a good thing!  I swam this morning, and I can really feel an improvement with the breathing on alternate sides.  I feel like I'm getting stronger.  I didn't make fantastic eating choices, but I just had an apple this evening, and although I snacked this afternoon, I'm hoping that the lack of appetite through supper will keep me on the right downward track!
My pedicure was fine, and the main thing about it is that my feet look a lot better!  Aside from being really hot and totally ready for bed, today was a fine day.  A good way to end the week!

A Haircut Can Do Wonders

I got my hair cut today.  It wasn't anything major, just a clean up and a long-overdue colour.  What WAS major was the two hours I had for just ME.  No to-do list, no nothing.  Just me and the hair dresser and that's all.  As a bonus, the haircut looks nice, I got lots of compliments, and my hair dresser says it will be easier to do my hair because of the colour.  Fabulous!  And... tomorrow, I'm getting a pedicure!  Woohoo!
We didn't get to the Y because I forgot to set my alarm.  Yikes!  I set it this morning for tomorrow! 
I need to buy some shorts and perhaps another skirt.  Clothes that fit properly, even if I'm not happy with the size on the tag, sure make a big difference.
Up the roller coaster we go!

Life's Rollercoaster

It sure doesn't take much to get me down these days.  Today didn't start off quite right, as we slept in and missed our chance to go to the Y.  When I got up, I realized my quads and shoulders were so sore, I probably couldn't have worked out anyway!  That was okay.
However, a phone call from a friend, telling me that a lump she'd had removed turned out to be cancerous, was not okay.  That really threw me for a loop.  Even the understanding that things would more than likely be fine didn't help.  Still, I pushed through, did some math with the kids, and set out for some shopping with my mother-in-law.  Gradually, I felt myself slipping down into a familiar hole.  I became desperate for some time alone.  I just needed to process the news from my friend, and get my head around a lot of details for the coming months.
An unexpected blessing arrived in the form of another friend's daughter asking if our kids could come for a visit.  Finally, some time for me!  I gratefully accepted and came home, looking forward to a few hours to myself, and my long to-do list.
Near the top of the list were some phone calls regarding the coming weekend.  I'm dropping the kids off at camp on Sunday afternoon, and called an old friend to see if she'd like to have supper with me before I come home.  She hesitated and then asked if she could get back to me.  That did me in.  The hole keeps getting deeper, and I think I need to go to bed.  I got a few more things done on my list, and I just pray I'm over this in the morning.

Lots of Exercise Today

I finally did a run this morning.  It felt wonderful to be out again, and the run was great.  It was short -- I didn't measure it, but I was able to run the entire distance at a pretty good clip, so I'm guessing it was about 2km.  Steve picked me up and we went to the Y.  I swam for half an hour, and it went well too!  The time goes by quite quickly, and I tried some alternate-side breathing for the first time this year.  Later this morning, I had my second Pilates class on the reformer... my legs were sure talking to me by the end of that!
It did me a lot of good to be so active today.  I'm sure all my eating made up for it, but at least I really got a lot of physical activity in.  I love the reformer!  I wish I could go every day!  I think I will sleep well tonight.
I have talked to a couple of people about my sleeping troubles, and I'm meeting next week with the person I buy my Shaklee iron from.  She has a few ideas about what's going on, and my Pilates instructor is giving the whole scenario some thought as well.  It is very helpful to be finally talking openly about my situation, and I feel like some solutions are around the corner. 
Physically, I haven't really lost any weight, but I feel like I'm doing better.  I've got a tan, I'm getting a haircut on Thursday and a pedicure next week while the kids are at camp.  Still, I will admit that I'm surprised at how heavy I am when I look in the mirror.  I feel like my old self inside a yucky body.  That HAS to change.
Emotionally, I'm fine today.  No negative comments about myself, no weepy times, no temper.  Some poor eating choices, but you can't win them all.
Off to bed for a good long sleep, I hope!

Now, That's More Like It...

149.0 today.  Seems like a long time to lose one pound.  And, after being on the road all day today, and basically eating whatever came my way, that one pound is likely going to be erased by tomorrow.  I didn't run this morning -- we managed to really sleep in, which was great, and very needed.  The plan for the morning is for me to run part way to the Y, and for Steve to pick me up en route.  I think I will do weights tomorrow, and swim the next time we go.

From now on, I'm going to try just weighing in on Mondays.  I'll see if that is too long in between, from a motivation stand-point, but I'll keep writing every day if I can.

In other news... my period finished yesterday.  Hopefully it will be more than 18 days until the next one.  I also hope that I get a good sleep tonight.  Sleeping sure helps functionality the next day, I'm discovering!

Not According to Plan!

149.7 --  not bad, considering what I ate last night!  The run this morning, however, did not happen.  Under the heading of bad symptom -- I barely slept last night.  I finally fell asleep at 1:00am, only to be awakened 45 minutes later by a sick dog.  We finally got him settled about 2:30am, and I tossed and turned until 4:45am.  My alarm went off at 6:45am, but that little sleep was not conducive to heading out for a run.  Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm hoping for a great sleep tonight, starting very soon.

We had friends in for lunch today.  I tried to be restrained with my eating throughout the afternoon, and did well until it came time to clean up the kitchen this evening.  I'm not sure what to expect from the scale in the morning.  I can barely resist chips when they are in a bowl on the counter.

Emotionally, I was a bit of a wreck this morning.  Our friends were such a joy to see, but I have missed them so much, that I cried as we hugged in church.  That, coupled with so little sleep, made me weepy through much of the service.  I did much better for the rest of the day, and have felt remarkably level, considering how tired I am.

Off to bed!  I'm dripping sweat, but it's so hot these days, I can't tell if it's just the weather, or if it's me.  Yuck.

So, Are You a Runner?

149.5 this morning.  Still heading down, but v.e.r.y. slowly!  And tomorrow might be a turn around day.  We had dinner with friends tonight.  It was a fabulous meal, but not exactly helpful towards weight loss!  Oh well.  Tomorrow's a new day.
I had a strange morning.  My head felt foggy and I was really tired.  Les and I went garage sale-ing and I missed a lot of turns and felt like I wasn't 'firing on all cylinders.'  Later, we went to a street fair, and I just wanted to sit or lie down.  It was hard to think.  I don't know if it was because I was hot, tired or hormonal!  Anyway, it was really weird.  I feel much better tonight.
One positive thing from this morning was a garage sale with lots of clothes.  Big clothes.  Fill a bag for a dollar.  I bought t-shirts and a sweater, and, best of all, a skirt.  It is really cute, and actually a little too big...  It's a size 12 (gasp!), but I wore it tonight, and felt more feminine than I have in ages. Thank you, Lord, for garage sales to fill the gaps in my wardrobe!
At dinner tonight, we got talking about Canada Day, and I mentioned that I had bought some new running shoes last weekend.  I showed the photo of my running shoes with their great Canadian flag, and someone asked if I am a runner.  How to answer?  Yes?  Is that a lie, considering I haven't run in six weeks?  No?  Well, I was running daily before I was bit by the cat on my thigh.  Hard one to answer.  So... I'm going for a run in the morning.  Then the answer will, once again, be YES, because I am done with not running!
Off to bed! 

Well, it's a start...

149.8 this morning.  At least it was in the right direction.  I swam for 30 minutes this morning, which should be about 1350 metres.  Not bad!  My eating is going pretty well so far today.  I made Granola Energy Balls, which we all love, and they are a great go-to when I would really like to grab a muffin or something else that's not too healthy.
Today is a better day than yesterday, and I think it has to do with having one less thing on my plate --we bought a new dehumidifier last night, to replace the one that conked out earlier this week. 
I'm getting a tan from all this time at my in-laws' pool -- tanned fat definitely looks better than untanned fat!  :)
Steve is going to get my bike tires pumped up tonight -- I was really wanting to go for a bike ride last night -- so we are hoping to get the kids out on the trail after supper.
My goal (aside from getting sorted out by my birthday) is a triathlon on September 8.  I haven't decided which distance yet, but at least I know a date to aim for!
Let's see how the rest of the day goes!

The First Day

Today went pretty well, and pretty badly at the same time.  I weighed in at 149.9 and was careful with my eating.  No junk food, and I boiled three eggs this morning to have something on hand later in the day.  That was a good strategy and I will try to remember to do that every day.  The kids and I had a happy day together, but inside, I was not doing well at all.
I was quite depressed.  I think the reality of this situation is setting in, and the thought of not sleeping properly and fighting my weight and irregular periods for the foreseeable future... well, let's just say that's not a good thought.  We didn't go to the gym this morning, as we were both really tired, and I hadn't had a good night.  We are going to go tomorrow for sure, though, and I'm already looking forward to it, which I think is a good sign!
I feel better in general tonight and am hoping for a much better day tomorrow.

Let's Get This Show on the Road

July 4, 2012
Well, I'm going to be 40 in two months, and I have gained over 20 pounds since my 39th birthday.  What on earth is going on?
This blog is going to be a journal of my journey to figure out what is going on with my body.  It will probably be pretty girl-stuff in nature, and definitely revealing of more information than I would normally be comfortable sharing.  But I need to get on top of this.  I have never been so unhappy with my appearance as I am right now.
Here's the background:  My uncle got married last August 27, and I know that I wore a size 4 dress to his wedding, and weighed 127 pounds.  I felt great.  Steve and I had been running together all summer, I had trained for and completed my third triathlon, and I felt the best I had in a long time.
Earlier that week, we had received a phone call which marked the beginning of the process which eventually led to us moving to our new home, our new ministry and essentially our new life, at the end of February this year.
Over the course of the fall and winter, my weight began to creep up.  I attributed this to a combination of stress, lack of exercise and poor eating.  All of those things have been dealt with since our move, and yet my weight has continued to increase.  My periods are becoming irregular (fewer and fewer days between cycles) and I can't sleep.  I now look terrible in a size 10 and I weigh about 150 pounds.
I have Googled until the cows come home.  Could I be pregnant?  Can it all be blamed on cortisol levels?  How can we eat better?  Should I try a diet?  Weight Watchers?  I chatted with a friend today who is a nurse, and she agreed with me that I am probably perimenopausal (even though I'm young) and she suggested I get my thyroid checked.
Steve and I have joined the YMCA and I have signed up for one-on-one pilates classes.  I am determined to get fit and drop this extra weight.
I can't find any pictures from the wedding right now, and I have avoided cameras like the plague lately, but I'm sure there are pictures around.
Tonight, I renew my determination to get better.  I have old friends to see this summer, and I sure don't want them to see me like this.